Samveen's Blog

7th August 2006

Musings on Belief

I read somewhere that nostalgia isn't a healthy thing because the good is highlighted while the bad is glazed over. But this doesn't stop me from being nostalgic. The best time of my life, defining it in terms of how I felt about myself, would be mid 2003 to mid 2004. That was the time when I had the most confidence in myself. I believed myself capable of any thing I wanted to do and indeed I was. I wanted a good score in GRE, and I got it. I wanted to get through to a US NEWS top 50 Univ in CS and I got through to U of Utah, Salt Lake City. I wanted to get through to an IIT, I got through to 2. Many other small things abound that cemented that belief. Then I came to IIT. Here things started to turn out not quite as good as they should have. Being a adolescent mentally (that's how i catagorize myself), I went for the frivolous pleasures of IIT life rather than the more meaningful ones. Two years down the line, I look back and see that I do not have as much confidence in myself as I did 2 years ago. This erosion is harmful in itself because it leads me to question my abilities, thus leading into a viscious cycle. But I cannot stop thinking in these terms.

Therein lies my dilemma. I, for the love of God, am unable to decide whether my percieved loss of abilities is actually a loss of self confidence or is it that I was actually less capable than I believed. That is the curse of self doubt, and conversely the boon of self confidence. When I believed myself capable of anything, I did just that. Now I doubt myself and thus unable to do the important things that I need to do.

I hate this, the curse of being "me". That does not mean I hate myself though. Infact I am rather glad with the way my life has turned out till now, despite all it's hiccups. That is, I could give up my life right now without qualms as I believe that I have done all in life that needs to be done. Hah, there is that nostalgia again, albeit in a slightly different form.